i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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