My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
