I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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