my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
