Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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