Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
