You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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