You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
