I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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