this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
