PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
