My nipple is on Facebook.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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