am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
