i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
