I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I didn't notice because vodka
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
