Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
