so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
