i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
