OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
