"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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