Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
