I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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