My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
