if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Come share oat with me in your robe
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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