you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
