I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
