Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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