so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
