Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
