my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
