I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Randomize