I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
