she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
