ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
