This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
