Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
