i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Randomize
