I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
