i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
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all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
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No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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