Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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