I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
