my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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