I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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