Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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