Welp...herpes.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
