i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
