John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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