Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
