Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
bring money and cleavage
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
