I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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