yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
