I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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