Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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