dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
