Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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